Desperation or Despair

What you think love is really don’t be all that it’s cracked up to be.

I was so eager for assurance that essentially didn’t mean a thing because “actions speak louder than words” you know. In hindsight to that the foundation of my craft and character is to be truthful, transparent, and whatever else which is backed by “words” & not my actions solely. I value my words more than the average person because my words represent who I am as a being. So imagine the conflict of interest when someone doesn’t pay attention to me voicing my intentions.

Anyways, I just thought about how I’m aware that interactions I have with particular people aren’t true yet it’s a part of me that wants a person to just understand that I over-stand everything they don’t see in me, desire, or adore but only enjoy on their terms. while what I can’t grasp is the power I have to be so important that I mean nothing.

I don’t understand why people lie to me, it’s not that serious from a standpoint of “I like you as an individual so aside from the lying to make sure I don’t leave you.. I would have never left to begin with” but maybe that’s the reason they lie. They aren’t ready for that truth from self and who am I to accept whatever they avoid for them.. so that probably freaks them out. I wonder is that some form of a coping mechanism?

I use to find myself wanting to prove that I was worthy of the “love”(admirable lust) someone never dedicated to me until they paid attention to the climax of my tiresome dedication as I start to become careless due to stagnant repetition. Which is a real “got cha” moment.

When I’m attentive I’m discounted. When I’m attentive I’m my truest.

Maybe I should learn to accept when my love is not meant for who I’d love to give it to.

I pay attention; I’m vocal

For example: it’s young men that ignore me right and maybe I’ve grown accustom to these actions because my love for outweighs the lack of respect for me. So I’ve adapted to loving if dedicated to desire but that’s not right when it’s not reciprocated.

All in all as time has progressed I don’t know if my “power” is their addiction to being able to disregard me as such or what while still being reliable if need be. Now that I’ve understood that instances and things aren’t as what we make them to be— I’ve grown unconcerned. I’ve got my attention and now I feel like neglect might be a “blessing in disguise”. To be neglected by, for me, is a subtle way of letting me know my presence isn’t important to and instead of trying to showcase dedication I should dedicate my attention to me and finish living instead of dwelling on.

People say “the heart wants what the heart wants” and I believe to have been interpreting that wrong. Or maybe I haven’t. It’s usually brought up to justify actions of love, good or bad, but as I’ve had time to think I believe my heart just wanted acceptance for a lack of words and that didn’t have anything to do with love from anyone except self. Along with respect, admiration, and truth so when you put it in that perspective I wasn’t yearning for the love from someone else I was playing a game with myself because everything I sought after was just justification that I wasn’t going to get unless I gave it to me.

Reflecting on this is interesting because I’m such a “I don’t deal with” ass person but realistically I am, I’ve been “dealing” with trying to understand why I’m so willing to be loved one-sidedly and that still not be enough. I guess it’s not strenuous when you don’t recognize what’s being essentially dealt with is also caused by you. Or even when you realize that you just don’t care because it could be worse. Or maybe you see a bigger picture that all has to do with you as an individual and not your counter which in my case are love interest for the most part.

Point is, I’ve outgrown being so willing I’m okay with getting nothing when I know I’m beneficial— least that can be done is affirmation of acknowledgement or a thank you but that’s my fault because in the back of my mind it was okay if they didn’t say thank you since that’s how they are and I love them for them. And NO, this doesn’t mean stop doing things out the kindness of your heart, and start looking for things in return. It means make sure you find a balance between doing and your extracurricular advances are being done on your own terms and being appreciated in the very least.

We as people, me specifically, I like to get things I can’t have, in theory, which fuels my undying despair I considered “passion” as well so I feel like it is time to drop that habit in order to move forward. Because the years of trials with self trying to figure out “what I lack” doesn’t equate to the temporary satisfaction of a “victory” in which is just someone finally caving in because they didn’t have any interest with me in the first place. The delusion!

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always. XOXO

⁃ Aunty

Subject: @marlomp3

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