Full Circle Half Empty

my life has been full circle the last couple months, may i humbly say…i’d consider it “complete”[as time has progressed i have decided that my life in its entirety isn’t “complete” but more specifically a phase..the first one…in which i’ve been working on for years.]
also a part of me goes back in forth with the idea i might be thinking to “low” when i say that, but honestly it feels right to say. and when i change my mind to consider i might be wrong.. it’s really not from the perspective of me but more so what the world pushes you to feel about your everything.
it’s always more that can be done or obtained and for whatever reason being comfortable is never enough.
oh the irony in that! [when you’re hardbody and think about how sweet a soft day would be. or when you’ve adapted to being uncomfortable for such a long time, when s*** isn’t hard you don’t know how to function with leisure.]

*a conversation for another day would be how comfort is being given the same context as greed, but that’s neither here nor there right now.

i assume i’ll never be 100% with the dynamics that make up my everything as nobody is perfect but i consider myself a circle and at this time im full as in complete but empty.
maybe my circle isn’t complete because i always find myself getting halfway full then it starts to deplete then.. i wake up and it’s empty. and honestly i don’t feel anyway about it because i’ve taken the time out of living too understand myself more and it’s more to be understood(for example why can’t i maintain happyness? or whatever that fills up my circle. CERTAINTY!!! for example i manage to get to like 66% these days before it’s time to try it all over again.)

as i’ve lived, i feel like i make progress then i find myself reliving shit i thought i learned from. eventually i caught on to the fact i adapted to damaged control ~ although i knew the outcome of what i was doing, unfavorable or not, it gave me a sense of control when navigating it.
which is so silly.
and this full circle half empty reoccurrence is life reliving that ..but maybe emotionally?[i wish i could go back in time to just watch how many days i’d maintain peace. to know if on average growing up i managed to have…let’s say..11 good days before it was just striped from under me and now my brain just allows me 11 then self destructs as a natural reaction, get me?]
in addition to that im not sure about much of anything or how to even assess anything after that last sentence but i will say, im alright or my best self right now. yet it’s a form of emptiness that comes with that called “well what’s next?” what do i do now.

full circle half empty by me

and as i write im starting to realize that, that the “emptiness” i maintain is because im to busy dwelling on the fact i don’t have the answers as i always do and it’s no problem to solve to know anything.. so now im just doing on my own accord… and i know no freedom as such that’s equivalent to freedom of self where you figure stuff out beyond what you’re use to.

i have a slight theory that i have advanced passed “damage control” to understand that i have no eagerness to partake in self sabotage out of curiosity, boredom, or uncertainty as an escape goat for what might just be me experiencing a pure form of peace.
im chilling.
so within that theory im stuck at a place of not having the answers while being eager to experience to contribute to what has become FULFILLING TO ME.

truth be told im also slightly scared that maybe if i take this time to just enjoy how far i’ve come, maybe im missing out or could be using my time better.[but what’s better than self awareness/growth?]
i notice that i have to remind myself, a lot of things, but that uncertainty is just me seconding guessing myself.

{its a note to self on this page that says “i should really just take the time to enjoy a picnic to be proud of the fruit im bearing from my labors before my back starts hurting or start spilling fruit.”}

i hope everybody is taking time to get right with themselves as your just as important as the elements you make up
WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY
always, all ways
XOXO

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