18.09.2021 [mood: lol, just thinking]
you know 1 of the most unfair things ive experienced is probably the fact my father was selfish enough to really do what he did, aside from the fact he had KIDS to go to prison. lol i have to laugh at the situation to not approach it very aggressively(but that’s a conversation for another day). secondly! being broken up with when i wasn’t ready to be broken up with, was unprepared to be broken up with, or knew how to process being broken up with so frivolously.
when i say unfair, it’s just feeling based like i really thought my life was over. didn’t s*** make me happy and my days were longer than they’ve ever been, and of course i had my days that were okay but everyday was just hard. i reflect on that situation often as i’ve grown from it and kinda feel no true ways about it like i did before as it has helped shape me today, + it’s life.
that time/this time also introduced me to a different perspective when referring to “the love of my life” these days and for future reference i say “the love of my life at that/this time” and it truly helps you become more accepting to the idea that love is something reoccurring. unfortunately i haven’t taken the time to pardon my sufferance as being single seems to just be easier than all the divine that comes with a relationship that could be stripped away from you in a moments notice. oh how selfish am i to me for that.
that’s it lol that’s the thought.
23.08.2021 [mood: suddenly sad & selfish, i mean sad n selfless, helpless] whoever said less is more LIED!
times like this is when i find myself upset with the world and being irritated with everything all because im sad and how selfish is that. i also feel not listened to but maybe it’s for the greater good…or maybe im selfless. by sunrise i’ll most likely be out of this runt as i have learned not to dwell but im aware i might not make it thru the day without getting irritated again and have to start over and i have nothing to say about that.
selfish because i should be happy people concern themselves with me enough to miss me when im out of sight of mind but in the same thought i wonder what they want from me as it’s always something lol.
selfless because to avoid the irritability i budge. it makes my life easier to budge because after the outcome ..i finally get my temporary alone time.
to balanced being “liked” for the most part, as sometimes that’s not always the case, but also just distant is crazy. im selective as fuck, bias if you will and again i have nothing to say about that. this is me. how are you?
sidenote: im starting to accept the fact i have ptsd from being treated horribly that might contribute to all this hide and seek i play with my presence and it’s kinda sad. it makes me enjoy people way more than i should because im just so damn thankful it’ll never be understood more than me being forever grateful for something as simple as kindness.
FREINDS & FITS 20&21 2021
08.08.2021 [mood: nothing? empty? idk, but im okay]
point of emotions are for them to emote! i took the time last week to come to grips with the fact i don’t have the answers right now. nor am i necessarily looking for any. i just been living. i have also realized that i don’t care about outside entities… not like i did before foreal but being social for example is a staple in this internet aunty stuff i got going on and i have talked about how i enjoy the www more than being in irl socializing bc i don’t care to talk fr, UNLESS YOU’RE MY FRIEND ALREADY. and im not really in the mood to make new friends either (while the last few years that’s been what i been striving for, friends, lol ironically when i dropped the manipulation habit it brought me not only peace and better functionality. BUT now im in a space with others that are oh so kind & sincere to me). at this time at least, im comfortable! and trying to expand my comfort in layers, not so much “okay this is great it can get greater” in a very greedy/extra way. for instance like i said im comfortable but within that comfort i know i can work on myself, my habits, to enhance said happyness “more” or peacefulness…. IS THIS PEACE? TO NOT BE WORRIED, STRESSED, DEPRESSED, USED, OR ABUSED? FUNCTIONING AT MY OWN FREE WILL?????? and im just taking it all in????? my life is quiet right now and i enjoy that, i don’t gotta say much, i don’t gotta do much (as i have eliminated those who do too much OF NOTHING) from my life.. im chilling and in todays society, as far as how it’s portrayed. i have too less to be “chilling” but i have my friends, i have loved ones, i a great foundation beneath me. and that’s it. the tweet has a thread connected to it.
im at a very conflicted place in my life: i simply don’t know how to approach my next step or know what it is exactly. im just functioning without a grand purpose and im not use to that. i feel careless and closed off as well. & i wonder is it bc im really satisfied basically
— HUMBLE HOODRAT (@AuntyInternet) August 1, 2021
& im happy for me 🙂
A PORTRAIT OF ME BY STEPH EDITED BY ME
probably my favorite photo of myself
•Im Here For Who I’m Here For•
I’m a chaser[not going to edit that but i will correct myself by saying I WAS A CHASER] (not for good reason, ive come to the conclusion it was to feed my ego as a fight to feel worthy from feeling essentially unwanted). Contrary to popular belief, as i seem to be loved these days(cause i am), i will say it took a lot of time and failed relationships to get here. i have always placed myself in the predicament to love more than i am loved and i thought it was okay because i’m unconditional/sincere about it but no longer. The conflict of feeling unappreciated yet! being understanding of individuals to where i comfort myself by saying “that’s the kind of person they are and if i love them then that’s it” has run dry, i have no fight left in me as i wanted to experience something new.
My favorite concept right now is experiencing sincere love from “my loved ones”[as in my friends, family] it’s not their responsibility but i feel like i finally have a team. Love that for me— finally people who have admiration/respect towards me the same way i have admiration/respect for them without question. So for the unsolicited advice; stop seeking it(whatever that might be) and let it make it’s way to you. Dedicate all to yourself on behalf of you as you spend that time seeking things or forcing them to work you take time from assessing/fixing yourself. What you desire will find you as it fits because you’re not sacrificing yourself in order to force anything. From the bottom of my heart ❤ I hope everybody gets an opportunity to experience what im talking about. Especially as it’s easier said than done to shy away from what you’re use to but what helped me was realizing i have no business having admiration for “tough love” that’s an oxymoron and i also have no business working hard for intangibles like emotionally availability & understanding. Shouts to my good peoples as they’ve been great to me & i am a reflection of them.
27.06.2021 02:00 [mood: selfishly dedicated]
“IM AT WORK AND I HAVE DECIDED TO RECANT MY EFFORTS FOR THE MOST PART AND INVEST ALL MY CREATIVITY INTO MYSELF. I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER AND I CANT IF IM NOT 100% DEDICATED TO MY PROGRAMMING! 1) IVE REALIZED THAT MONEY ISNT MY FOCAL POINT WHICH IS FINE BUT GROWTH OF SELF AND THE FACT I WANT MY WORDS TO BE MORE THAN GLOBAL THAN THEY ALREADY ARE. I LOVE MY WORDS AND MY ABILITY TO EXPRESS MYSELF WITH THEM. DO I FEEL LIKE IM MAKING A MISTAKE? KINDA, I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING READY TO COMPLETELY SLOW MYSELF DOWN FINANCIALLY BUT IM WITHOUT WORRY. I SUPPOSE MY GRAND FINALE IS TO BE HEARD FOR I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
A RISK IM WILLING TO TAKE!! I JUST FEEL LIKE IM GOING AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO APPRECIATES MY CAPABILITIES FROM A “WORKING” STANDPOINT. WHICH IS FINE, THAT JUST EMPHASIZES THAT I CAN BULID SUCH EMPIRE ON MY OWN ON BEHALF OF ME.
IVE BEEN ASKING AND RECEIVING SO IN ALL HONESTY IT’S TIME TO FOCUS UP. FOCUS UP AND FIND BALANCE BETWEEN BEING DEDICATED TO MYSELF AND FUN/ENJOYING MORE THAN THIS PROCESS 🙂
I FINALLY FEEL LIKE IVE FIGURED OUT “WHAT I DO THIS FOR” AND THE ANSWER IS NOW ME! WHICH IT SHOULDVE ALWAYS BEEN. IVE UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNALIZED THE LACK OF SO MANY OTHERS. IVE BEEN STRESSING MYSELF OUT WONDERING WHY I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO FUNCTION OR FLY IN THE CAPACITY IM VERY AWARE I CAN.
EXCITED TO SEE WHERE THE DEDICATION OF MY WORDS TAKE ME AS THEY WILL TRAVEL TO PLACES UNSEEN BY MY EYES, UNHEARD TO MY EARS, AND AIDE PEOPLE WITH SELFLESS FEARS TIME AND TIME AGAIN – AN ETERNITY BUILT ON FEELINGS!”
25.06.2021 VENICE BEACH WITH FRIENDS
it’s actually taking me a lot to even just type this because i don’t want to, im not in the mood to, but “commitment vs routine” anyways… i figured im getting a little let’s not call it sad but “weary” because not only have i not been walking in certainty as i move i question almost everything i do. it’s like im irritated or overwhelmed with my doings and idk where that came from. but i need to get out of my head because it’s really killing the mood LOL then another part of me happens to be very aware i have nothing to be sad about as im also living the life not “dreamed” of but knew i could obtain as far as my functionality and the sincerity around me goes and i love that. i know im doing marvelously as internet aunty but as for myself, a separate entity i am not at this time. which is also weird as internet aunty is literally me just “branded” (if you want to say that). it’s something deep down that’s back bothering me and i can’t put my finger on it aside from me feeling as if something is lurking in the sidelines. either or i will try to just let my emotions emote as i read it is not realistic to be “happy” all the time, literally. maybe this is one of those moments for me. and i will also stop speaking up this uneasy feeling giving it power.
ive been questioning myself a lot lately and im actually not fucking with it fr.
— HUMBLE HOODRAT (@AuntyInternet) June 12, 2021
04.06.2021 22:59 [mood: thankful]
i have found myself being very thankful for my friends (as always) but as of late a lot more attentive and appreciative, which isn’t completely unusual. with that i have realized that my friends unintentionally fill a very huge void in my life which was not their responsibility at all and because of that to say “i love them” is not enough.
my thankfulness isn’t based on how well they treat me specifically either(in fact i don’t think they realize i literally treat them how they treat me as i am a reflection of them)! my focus is on the fact they trust me or see me as someone they can share themselves with. they willingly extend their time to spend it with me sometimes and i love the idea of all of that probably more than i love myself right now. or that they all individually represent something so profound to me and i have the honor of being able to be surrounded by that or even communicate with it! im thankful. thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful, and grateful. my loved ones.
~something to consider with any relationship~ conversation: i don’t think people realize how much we don’t thoroughly communicate when talking to people we converse with frequently. the conversations are just ongoing, which is understandable, but to ask someone questions like “are you alright?”, simply telling them you love them unprovoked, “how have you been?”, telling them “thank you” is all very important. & it’s not on purpose that we don’t, we just think that it’s evident as our actions speak for us most of the time because WE know but still. just thought i would suggest it as that’s something i been working on, personally.
02.06.2021 22:40 [mood? life crazy]
my life, oh how i love it. aside from the fact i still haven’t managed to write from a standpoint that doesn’t involve tears, i sometimes consider if my poetry days are over? although i don’t want them to be, i just have nothing to express where i feel like i have to subliminally write my feelings out for ppl to read in order to be heard because im in a place now! that allows me to be.. all of me.
my life, oh how i love it. last time i was at a place of euphoria like this where i couldn’t explain my happyness without crying tears of joy. i was “in love” and to be back at that place of joy on behalf of my efforts is so beautiful to me.
my life, oh how i love it. i keep going over the idea that when i thought i was so great i was probably nothing of the sort. and that im aware i have the tools to create what i envision for myself but idk, i guess im so attentive now im nervous. still not a perfectionist but thorough so when i preform i get a little anxious.
my life, oh how i love it. another part of me has realized that i just wanted some people around me i could share myself with, without feeling like im being purposely misunderstood, annoying, asking for too much, too concerned, too happy. and im experiencing that in 2021. it’s very different to be equally friends with someone who is equally friends with you and not over extending your ability to be a friend, willingly/happily, while realizing it won’t be returned.
my life, oh how i love it. for the last couple years ive been trying to work myself up to this fine feeling im living in.
my life, oh how i love it. as I write this i realize that giving up on my poetry is not sensible and if i love my words like I say i do I should keep writing and writing and that’s it. even if i just keep it to myself I must write.
my life, oh how i love it.
07.05.2021 17:20 [mood: praise n blessings]
shit gon work out, i’m certain of it 🙂
25.04.2021 02:18am [mood:actually pretty irritated]
i swear i don’t hate my job, and i use to think when i parted from them it was going to be sad but boy oh boy am i sick of the capitalistic b******* !!!!!!!!! they been doing me cold y’all and they don’t even do it with their chest, they been messing with me real petty like and i do not play. im trying to plan a vacation to actually have some fun while I wouldn’t be at work miserable although even just sitting in the house would even give me the break i need, im trying to expand my horizons tho! this is a declaration that 2021 will be my year man, i haven’t been pressed to rush anything because it has all been coming together and i believe in divine timing. i also believe some shit you gotta take and in this case it’s my fucking life. 1 i am too pretty to be sitting at work for 8 hours for 261 odd days of a year.
i have so much to offer i just gotta structure it for it to be digestible because i’m all over the place right now but like that’s on brand for me. i can do better in order to do more because this current situation i can’t take anymore lol. so we gon see especially being more thorough with my blog post, i can see and sense my traction but man….
well may the odds be in my favor as I rebrand and figure some more stuff out! praise and blessings to me! wishing myself much peace x joy x prosperity always all ways <3333
24.03.2021 20:53 [mood: pretty]
ive been putting more thought in myself to be more presentable and display how i would want to look because i have the range to be able to do so. i feel good, been looking good, and ppl have been treating me good and im sure it’s because of how im presenting myself. who wouldve knew it was that easy.
09.03.2021 23:03 [mood: powerful, pretty, and paid]
we got a lot to talk about, for starters im working on not holding onto anger so willingly anymore. again i dont have the energy to fight back especially if it isnt important[in order to protect my integrity], i just dont feel like feeling a particular way. BUT that is harder than it seems so a baby step is i try to only allow myself only a few hours of irritation, i talk about it whether it be with myself then idk lol i havent gotten far enough to tell you how to combat s*** you cant get over yet, but im trying. i really enjoy the fact im trying cause honestly at this point people dont even deserve to be get beat up by me nor are they “willing” like they use to be and im too … passionate to be passive.
in addition to no longer holding onto anger i been debating apologizing to my mama ex husband, which happens to be my dad but i dont respect him enough to give him the title so his name is “reese” for future reference. i never cared or liked that man and it’s because of what he didnt do actually. he wasnt around, he is in prison, been in prison the last 23 years and idk for obvious reasons i truly adore my mother MORE than i’ll ever like him, no offense to him. i feel like he contributed to me not having a decent childhood, i had to grow up faster in order not to be basically an anchor to a single mother and although she’s never said anything of the sort we have a good relationship so it’s safe to say. so i resented bro for quite some time, was also very mean and wasnt receptive of the “father figure” he was trying to cosplay from behind bars. im 23 now so probably when i was like 17 i forgot what he might have said in a letter and really he might not have said anything lol but something had to have happened for me to just write a letter explaining that i couldnt stand this man guts pretty much and i deemed him unlikeable. point is!! ive been carrying that resentment and just gave up. ive accepted that he’ll probably never understand the significance of his absence cause he didnt have to endure it, although he had to in another way like 1 of his 2 daughters telling him he hate him…and i shouldnt try to compete “traumas” against each other(im learning not to feel owed because he contributed to bringing me into this world since im just never going to get whatever im looking for so i need to stop looking for it therefore i stop getting offended all over again). and with him not agreeing but understanding that i dont see him as a father he now talks to me like a friend and that effort i do appreciate, in fact it has been making me like him more as a person which i never thought i say. releasing that anger didnt make me feel defeated either that’s how i knew i was ready to shed that layer of me.
see i think it’s unrealistic to just stop being mad, it’s an emotion. just like any other emotion you gotta let it emote in order to grow i guess, which is probably why people who rage are genuinely happier and have a better understanding of their feelings. it took me a minute but i feel like this is a grand step in progression.
ive been stuck on the concept of forgiveness as well, along with “the most high” like im not religious but just want to gain a better understanding of it so when i feel like it i’ll probably start reading the bible like a regular book just cause i am curious and not trying to have nobody feeling like im questioning their faith in… when having a general conversation. im only interested because “praise n blessings” been a saying that’s been stuck with me AND NOW since march started “may god be the glory” but idk why. sometimes i feel like everything doesnt need an answer or clarification but i rely on logic so you know. and that’s probaby why life be so hard some times for me cause im trying to make sense of something made up based on preference(which is why i control me life) i swear i believe i block my blessings with all my thinking going on.
on a lighter note ❤ baby i feel like im growing up, per usual, but this is different. like i mentioned i am driven by sadness, i feel safe when im uncomfortable because i know how to navigate under pressure. im always under pressure and i just realized i dont have to be, nor did i want to continue being. i want to be happy, i deserve to be happy, and i dont want to be so willing to be the lesson people learn from courtesy of traumatizing me any more than i already am. i have no desperation to us my struggles as a co sign for perseverance, im changing my life around because it’s mine!!! and i can. based on my pre drafted blog post i can tell this is the year i’ll be unlearning a lot and breaking myself down in order to build me back up. and i don’t mind. i wont lie tho the only problem ive been having is the incorporation of who benefiting from my old habits that im trying to break challenging my growth. or even trying not to outgrow who i adore without backtracking the progress of controlling my irritation, like it’s levels to it all.
LOVE YALL ! THANK YALL ! XOXO
WISHING EVERYBODY PEACE x JOY x PROSPERITY ALWAYS, ALL WAYS
16.02.2021 23:13 [mood? lol]
Scorpio Lover Boy, i usually explain my tattoos and if you’re familiar with them you’d know that more often than not they represent some form of sadness. i find it to be kind of crazy i have representation of unfortunate events carved in my skin but i wear them proudly because they make up me in today’s time. so as far as this scorpion goes it’s one of my favorite tattoos and what’s the irony in it being dedicated to one of my favorite people that have also made me experience such an intense level of sadness. ive been getting asked and mistaken for a scorpio since i got it and i am in fact not a scorpio, fortunately lol. i got the tattoo on behalf of a scorpio that has taught many lessons! my favorite being what love is, can be, and is not. and i will forever be thankful for those experiences. they taught me how to be independent and careless which doesnt benefit me much outside of people thinking im admirable or weird lol. they’re also one IMPORTANT half of the reason this site thrives, they kind of raised me because without them i dont think i ever wouldve grew up in many ways logically, a lot of my wisdom came from experiencing them. i wanted some permanent display of their importance in my life outside of me being how i am or doing what i do, because for what it isnt worth the chances of us never talking again is always high and at this point im alright with that (cause it is what it is) but at the end of the day i know what i’ve taken away from our interaction for the last couple of years regardless and again im so thankful for that. so thankful i got the shit tatted on my neck as a reminder.
it’s such a beautiful tattoo, i love it so much.
it represents so many (un)known details about me, it showcases the method to my madness
02.10.2021 15:14 [mood? it’s whatever]
i feel like the love isn’t mutual and im currently letting go of the idea of transactional instances, granted i love unconditionally until i feel like my love is unappreciated. i have realized three things 1) some people just dont give a fuck about me 2) people dont know how to give/receive unconditional love regardless of the circumstance, which is fine actually 3) im so independent i am forgotten about
granted i like my lonesomeness, a lot, its still something that doesn’t go unnoticed because you cant help but see the lack there of (love in this case)… it kind of made me start questioning myself
and when i say i dont care about transactional dealings im meaning i dont do things with the expectation of getting something in return hence the fact even though i feel like the love i give does not entirely get back to me i am still very appreciative of what i do get because if i was looking for something as pure as love in return of giving love then i have no business extending myself in such a way to begin with.
the “problem” im having which isnt really just a problem but a thought, is .. so what can i do to combat this? i dont desire to be stingy with my ability to be loving, kind, or understanding i truly dont. i love that about myself. yet i also feel like if i gate keep my abilities someone who might actually need it will be missing out on the experience, the world is already cold and i dont want to contribute to the harshness either. all in all its beyond me i suppose and it’s no wrong way to go about it all as long as im sincere.
while were here we can also talk about the fact learning how to pace myself has been so conflicting, i feel myself outgrowing what social media as deformed into which is showcasing and showboating. for example im working diligently but people cant tell and i dont get the urge to post about my efforts any more. social media conditions you to feeling like if you aren’t proving yourself in some way your worthless and granted it is people who dont post because they’re ahead of me in regards of genuinely not caring. its the people who post everything to prove their doing something and i dont want that kind of hold placed upon me. while we got people who post little of nothing to look busy and that.. lol i dont give a f*** about that at all generally, in fact i feel like it’s kind of silly but that is neither here or there.
im internet driven as the self proclaimed aunty of the s*** and idk i figured i would just try to change how i use my social media instead of keeping up with the times that are no longer admirable because as a collective we’re growing under patience since social media is so fast paced. ima figure it out tho.
16.01.2021 11:18 [mood? better than the last few days]
man all my travesties have really been at the case of men and i seemed to have burned one bridge this week, which i don’t mind because nothing can tell me it was built off sincerity anyways.. so whatever.
lets talk about peoples willingness to lie, i swear not a lot offends me like actions offended me. i don’t lie so i will never understand why a person feels like they need to lie to me. am i not as understanding as i think i am? do i not present safety? am i not respectable? im working on not taking the actions of others personally as well because as you just read im questioning myself to make sense of the senseless because im caring like that. but i am also aware i dont deserve to be held accountable for the actions of others, even if they are against me and ESPECIALLY when i know i didnt do anything wrong.
here’s to no longer loving more than being loved, and not accepting that you’re being tolerated in exchange for whatever. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
01.01.2021 18:35 [mood? annoyed]
i love how the first day of the new year i ended up being annoyed by the idea of people, specifically my relatives, i really only respect my grandmother who is resting. everybody else like aunts, uncles, cousins…i truly dont care about aside from like 1 male cousin from moms side and i have 3 cousins from reese side i adore as well. but as far as everybody else goes they are essentially pointless to my life and at my big age i have no desperation to even want to develop a relationship with them. so hearing stories about everybody just annoys me, im not like “aww sounds cool, wish i was alive” i be really listening like “i do not like yall honestly and i truly dont care, i dont, i dont and now anger is overcoming me” but i do find it to be interesting that i feel such a way. shouts to moms and my two sister tho they really the focal point of what my family is outside of my friends.
in addition to that it made me realize i am still very much so “tired” and within that weary i dont see myself having the energy to maintain relationships that are one sided or frivolous. of course its people i want to build relationships with but like its some people in my life already that half ass the friendship not on purpose but its either very transactional or beneficiary and i dont feel like putting energy to the side to even tend to such things. when im trying to gain the stamina to focus on things worth dedicating my attention to.
31.12.2020 11:36 [ mood? content]
still trying to grasp the concept of respecting being defeated and accepting some people just wont, across the board when it comes to knowing how to co exist with me although i make it easy to do so. i’ll blame complexity. i also been amused by people because they just be doing stuff and dont be knowing what they talking about with so much certainty. LOL i love that for them no kango to each his own dawg.
14.12.2020 22:51 [mood? tired]
i just started realizing how much i say “i’m tired” and the fact it’s not always in reference to being low energy although i am not sleeping through the night. i’m emotionally tired and it causes me to feel drained. i’ve been emotionally unable for some time now and i’m tired of it. i’m tired of feeling sad, i’m tired of feeling mad, i’m tired of feeling like “okay i’m sad today hopefully i’m in better spirits tomorrow, i’m tired of being so sad that i’m quick to become irritated all because i’m mad and sad at feeling mad and sad. i want to do much better habitually and it takes a lot of pride to admit you arent your best self let alone working towards becoming more than what you’re use to being. so me admitting that i need to do better even if that results in me losing what i want to love so dearly then so be it. as people we outgrow things all the time and it’ll be considered a growing pain for i have felt so much worse. i have felt so much worse and thought i dealt with it correctly to move forward and i think it’s safe to say im simply traumatized. i am traumatized and because i do not long to feel the same pain twice. im not living because im too busy being safe. i want to live, i deserve to experience my authentic self for i have outgrown who i am in todays time. again i must say i have a fear of progression since im not in control or no longer within of what im accustom to but that’s beyond me since in order to do better you must do different and that means not doing the same no matter how uncomfortable it becomes.
“I got a lot of learning and growing up to do and people do not like that. they want me low, they want me in their reach, and it’s pretty much hurting my feelings. be proud of me don’t test me by trying to break me down more.” – Internet Aunty
22.11.2020: 10:46am [mood? careless, anxious]
HOW THE FUCK YOU THICK WITH NO ASSSSSSSSS
aye if this computer die ima let it but i gotta remember to hit update regardless if im in the middle of typing.
im in way better spirits now that i have taken the time to dedicate a lot of my attention to myself. but am i ready to go back to just being in everybody face tho? nah lol … no rush on that anyways cause where can we go????? exactly.
oh i was talking to the homie about how i am not flattered by imitation and how ive been dedicating time to avoid it since credit is never a factor and he just basically said “charge to the game” but how he said it was real calm and i respect it so, ima try to not be so bothered. im also not focused i dont think or maybe im just enjoying my life for what it is and isnt right now. things i believe should work out will though im sure! i just gotta work on understanding that my idea of things doing as such isnt the only way they can which probably contributes to self sabotage… because i see shit not going my exact way and be like “wait” ahahahahaha control, you gotta love it. welp. thats it for now i suppose i cant believe the year almost over or how fast time has been flying it was just the 13th,
13.11.2020: 22:00pm: [mood? relieved]
aye updating this page be burnt out lmao like why do i feel important enough to really update whoever reading on my feelings. like im somebody. anyways.
today was a smooth day, very functional. i enjoyed my presence and experiences in the world [i haven’t felt like that in a cool minute], ive been hiding from everybody and i will continue to until idkkkkk. if you’ve seen me during my transition into becoming a better person for the sake of myself then i must genuinely enjoy you for you to see me while im not in my best spirits. i feel like im getting into the flow of how it feels to be genuinely “okay” as well. for the last couple years i been waiting to feel “okay” to the point i get excited when i feel “alright” and then disappointed when im back down bad again.
i have some youtube viewers who i don’t know but are extraordinarily kind to me!!! and although i made the channel mainly for my few lazies who would rather listen to my thoughts instead of read them. i feel more enthusiastic knowing 2 views are from completely random ppl who stumbled across one of my videos and decided to stay. it’s so freaking cute.
dang im writing a lot… and i plan to write more outside of this page update.
all in all i mean well and i feel like everybody who has been concerning themselves with me mean well as well. if they don’t. they don’t. gracious to be fortunate enough to believe in myself to the point even when im fed up… i still manage to trust my intuition to change.
although i do wish i was writing poems more frequently, but idk how to write when im not “sad”
04.11.2020: 22:55pm: [mood? i feel like kissin kate barlow after they killed sam BUT if sam was kate when she killed herself since she was tired]
veeze verse on ‘switching gears’ is my fav verse right now. is it a reason i had to let you know that? no, but i want whoever reading this to get the full experience of how I’m feeling.
life. it’s 2020.
i genuinely feel good about myself. i know im always talking highly of myself and i mean what i say but the last few days/ week been different. i was so nervous about not extending myself and just taking a break. i didnt think of how beneficial it would be for me to pay myself mind. usually when i say “fuck everybody” and duck off… which i still did ahaha it was for the greater good. like i said this the best i’ve felt in a long time and im sure its because im putting myself first. im pro selfish but i still manage to be considerate, im pro selfish because im well aware of myself but i still manage to care about others more than i care about myself. ive grown up and in my last post i was anxious about growing up due to ignorance of not knowing what id be shifting into but i basically did a trust fall with myself with all the intention of my ass hitting the ground because maybe i’d learn how to get up a different way.
i was just trapped in my own brain like a week ago and i also was very anger, i will forever appreciate my irritation because it’s a moment of truthful realization for me. for the most part everything i was upset about was brought on by myself and i have now took the initiative to fix it. for example i am such a passive ass person when it comes to the actions of others in which i dont necessarily like..[.because like i’ve mentioned before i make an effort of over standing that] if i rock with someone i will accept them for them regardless and. no, no more of that especially when i dont get that in return. i just wanted better for myself and i’ve been respecting my needs and i dont regret it and you cant guilt me into feeling bad for wanting to enjoy my life how i’d like to because it’ll inconvenience you from experiencing me because it’s beneficial. i been living and i feel so so so much better and i know it’s only going to keep going in the direction i been looking for while my head was down walking in circles.
28.10.2020: 23:05pm: [mood? tranquil]
im gonna be single for a long* time,
26.09.2020: 23:27pm: [mood? im actually okay]
ive outgrown my desire for likes and all that bc what i put into the world is timeless, it’s enjoyed by those who need to experience it. N that im thnkful for ❤ i get opportunities to work and become friends w ppl who once inspired me and i’m like a “nobody” still if you base my online presence over my ability to preform, which i understand. all in all i’m being recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated behind closed doors in the very least which is fine by me. it’s a bigger everything to every action and im no longer eager to be what the world deems “successful” bc ive successfully figured out how to allow my words, art, + more co exist in the world without expectation. im chilling. im growing up. im learning. i still feel like im great but just don’t know what im doing but i do know ima be alright. im no longer splitting my attention and dedication with “seeking” resulting in throwing off my ability to be focused on what i, can, do! im excited and underwhelmed. im proud of me.
i was talking to my friend about how the aura behind ppl not gravitating me is getting weird because i always stressed i had a mission to do, a lot. but because im bottom tier technically people easily have disregarded what im structuring and im learning how to work around that and it’s like making ppl want to be around and i don’t know how i feel about that. I do actually, i don’t like it. but i guess that’s the name of the game.
14.09.2020: 22:41pm: I am sad.
14.09.2020: 12:22am: [mood? not sad but down]
‘hit different’ by sza ft ty$ been hitting different lol, i love that right now, and the video is so pretty. but anyways, im conflicted. the irony in that since i was just lowkey celebrating the fact i have built up an appetite. but aside from that im tired!!! i wanna be world renowned already and i wont say im losing faith but im am losing sense of direction, i think. when i get to a place like this i usually slow down but i dont want to slow down because at least if i keep going ima still be building even if it is in small amounts that doesnt make a noticeable difference at the time… itll all come together in the end! i am more than sure. and all those days id essentially spend doing nothing would be days i become behind in growth. so having that mind frame has been whats keeping me going. “if i stop im really not gon know what could happen oppose to me succeeding due to my efforts”
13.09.2020: to be so thankful for yourself as a whole, independently with no doubt has made me careless and underwhelmed. im bias, always have been, i dont care through because i got me and i been had me so i know if all else fail i got me in the end. i always consider the outcome of my selfishness resulting in me being alone forever but i mean it is what it will be.
06.09.2020: don’t u hate when you’re feeling good or at least you started the day feeling good and someone has to just grind your gears. today started good. i had a light breakfast and was like “let’s knock it out” because ive been feeling good and mid day/ mid shift i find myself typing this, wanting to just cry cause real quick and finish being frustrated. but i find myself not wanting to ruin the rest of my day. i is work a job i don’t even need necessarily just as a independent writer content creator when times are slow this is a check guaranteed to go into my savings since im not entirely** too booked & busy. so when i have these irrational dealings with ppl I work with i be wanting to quit but i don’t because i feel like im being bothered on purpose to fold so now im doing the complete less on company time until they get rid of me because “fuck it”. in the mean time i need to figure out how to make my internet stance shake so im busy doing things id much rather do.
03.09.2020: dudes ive dealt with swear i’m the meanest in the world cause they feel guilty about wronging me like “bro i been trying to move on because it’s evident you were never going to feel my anger like i needed you to” but it’s cool they be uncomfortable when they talk to me i guess. i don’t care though it just be annoying like and after all that you still acting ill. it blows me, it offends me actually.
28 August 2020
REBRAND if you made it here you can see my archived thoughts I choose to still display whilst above is my correct speed now. and I also wonder if ima change it again eventually I like what I do for certain now. I feel like it’s clear who I am even if you don’t know who I am.
“I DON’T THINK I’M ANYTHING I KNOW I’M EVERYTHING” – Internet Aunty
Los Angeles 05 May 2018
16 June 2018
I’ve decided to not only debut my appearances on this page but my short sermons also, since they aren’t long enough for an individual post most of the time, and my independent thoughts. I want to treat this like a true to feeling url diary. I’m a person who gets satisfaction out of progression and regression regarding individuality.
27 June 2018
I’ve re-prioritized what I want to do regarding how I live. I’m happy with how i’ll be portrayed, the negative aspects, and the comparisons. I have never felt this happy to just do what I want with myself, I usually just still do but I’m usually worried or considered how I would be taken. Accepting the freedom to make mistakes while you figure life and yourself out is a feeling I hope you all get to experience.
02 July 2018
“We Flip Losses to Lessons” – Internet Aunty
11 July 2018
1 of 1 compared to none
12 July 2018
I’m willing more than ever to lose friends, I am not sorry that I can sense I will eventually outgrown my friends who will turn into acquaintances. I think that might be the finishing stages of my growth as a person because now people can’t relate to me nor will I make them.. I’ve re-birthed myself and I need something new or at less doesn’t weigh me down mentally. People that can no longer help me finish growing and help me gain more knowledge just don’t hold priority to me any longer, not meaning I won’t be there for people who need, would like my assistance but you can tell who wants it oppose to the people who just wants conversation for the sake of having contact with me. I have no energy or desire to waste my energy developing/keeping up connections of no substance.
15 July 2018
PRIDE is the only thing that fits me right now.
Is it really being “cocky” when you can back it up?
I love myself.
Palmdale 19 July 2018
03 August 2018
To many people abuse the ability to compromise in a relationship by manipulating it into control.
18 August 2018
I’ve been constantly reminding myself it’s no such thing as embarrassment.
Downtown Santa Monica 23 August 2018
09 September 2018
Mac Miller decided to rest in a peace unknown to man on the 7th, it’s been a very solemn, sad day.. I’m not going to get over the fact one/3 of my favorites who kept me up while I was feeling low because he felt low also is now gone. Music is very important to me as you know & he is one of the reasons why… now gone.. “swimming” one of the most beautiful albums I’ve heard In a while probably won’t be listened to in a long time, was given to us by a wonderful soul .. a soul that’s not here physically.. I cherish the times I’ve seen him live .. I sincerely do. I cherish the artistry and the artist.
This shit is sad.
“Mourning for selfish reasons. He’s probably way happier now. I’m think I’m sure. Still hurts tho. gone way to fucking too.”
– Steve Lacy
Lancaster 14 September 2019
Downtown Los Angeles 14 September 2018
20 September 2018
People should start understanding you can still be sad and also not want to dread in your sorrow.
Let me enjoy my laughs so I can control my cries.
22 September 2018
Why are the statements “I’m crazy, “well you know I’m crazy”, really being accepted when justifying unfavorable behavior we know to be unfavorable. Yet frown upon authentic unfavorable behavior from someone that’s crazy?
23 September 2018
I’m trying, I try. Effort.
25 September 2018
It is what it is, and that’s just what it is.
Santa Clarita 27 September 2018
27 September 2018
All I ever aspired to obtain for was comfort, not millions of dollars, not luxurious things, just the ability to be comfortable & accepted by those who love me even if I let them down.. and to hope! They still see the good in me, depending on the circumstances.
28 September 2018
A constant Dedicated Dedication to Dedicate the feelings I’ll probably never be able to express because my words mean much more than my actions.
Los Angeles 28 September 2018
29 September 2018
It’s like I care so much, I don’t care at all.
30 September 2018
Do you “love” me or do you just like me a lot.
You hate that you can’t hate me, and that’s okay. I love you too!
02 October 2018
I think the problem is I’m growing up in different aspects of life and I don’t know how to introduce myself to happyness I need.
Much love to who I was. Even more love to who I’m becoming.
No longer incorporating “if you knew better you’d do better” as a way to measure ignorance. Sometimes I know better than what I decide to do.
03 October 2018
I care about you but I don’t care about losing you because losing you.. I’ve lost myself and I never want to feel like I’ve lost myself because I’ll have to overcome that, not you.
05 0ctober 2018
For every tear shed it is another tear formed.
07 October 2018
Vibrancy radiating through sadness
09 October 2018
It’s good that everybody is “sensitive” expressing their feelings about how stuff bothers them but, nobody is obligated to care.
10 October 2018
I’m proud to say day by day I’m finding a little more happyness revolving around myself while experiencing more inner peace.
12 October 2018
Currently learning: It’s not my fault how people interpret me without asking for clarity to understand me.
13 October 2018
forever is a
14 October 2018
I can’t grasp how a person can be infatuated with you to the point they’ll deny the ability of anyone else having you & also not want you.
16 October 2018
The only person that can disappoint me is myself.
Palmdale 30 October 2018
06 November 2018
I do all this authentically, apologetically, and unconditionally.
I love dancing with the devil because it keeps me on my toes.
You can’t tell me I’m not everything I know I am! + More
Everything is biased.
The kind of person I am really throws people off to the point they don’t know how to deal with me, accordingly, at the very least.
People really turn into what hurt them and that’s such a casualty.
The bias cultural normalities regarding black parenting is just as much of an epidemic as crack in the 80s
Camp Flog Gnaw 2018 11-12 November
25 November 2018
We sad out here. We mad out here. We really sad tho. But we even madder tho. We just the saddest of the maddest, mad that we’re sad.
– INTERNET AUNTY
26 November 2018
– INTERNET AUNTY
Promise to never let the hurt build up to the point it becomes overwhelming to enjoy, joy.
– INTERNET AUNTY
I’ve done a lot of soul searching to cure the hurting.
– INTERNET AUNTY
28 November 2018
You feel different when you can’t feel like you know you want to.
– INTERNET AUNTY
29 November 2018
Do everything with certainty.
Do everything with certainty.
Do it all with certainty.
Say everything, you mean, with certainty.
– INTERNET AUNTY
You know we suffer in silence just to empathize our Strength & Independence which is terrible because it just keeps us in our conscience. Continuous tainted thinking being reiterated among yourself keeps you at a place of despair whether you want to be there or not.
18 December 2018
Maybe if I express how sad I am I’ll let it all out
Maybe I can cry it out
Maybe misery is lonely
Maybe what if
Los Angeles 19 December 2018 TDE ToyDrive
03 January 2019
We can’t be sad
We can’t be mad
We can’t enjoy joy
We can’t love
We can’t lust
We can’t leave
We can’t do this
We can’t do that
We can’t do anything
but we will
non – fictional fiction
A lot of hate, A lot of love
even more lust
A lot of regret, A lot of joy
not enough trust
A lot of thoughts, A lot of thinking
I have a lot of them many feelings, many tears, much hate nothing to dissipate but only reiterate what I felt, all the fears
A strong mind weakens the soul.
Currently treading elegantly on balance beam of peace during this earthquake
and if I fall goes it all
gliding pass the flaws
hitting despair hard
mentally paralyzed while feeling it all
11 January 2019
Whoever said two wrongs don’t make a right didn’t drive at night
two wrongs actually does make a right
..down, down, down
down memory lane decorated with pain
where the headlights only brighten your tears
with a speed limit to move you forward fast enough to forget your fears
onto a highway with no exits to exit
19 January 2019
never asking for forgiveness
and if you can’t do that
for me I ask you
to let me be
from here to eternity
in your journey
Los Angeles 22 January 2019
Boys need love too!
They hurt the same as me or you!
They’re drained the same and used for gain
same as me or you!
Boys need love too!
They need reassurance, they need comfort, they need communication too!
Boys need love too!
They hurt the same as me or you!
They’re claim to fame is independence, too
Which is understandable with no dependent to!
Boys need love too!
They’re heart hurts, which pains mine too!
Boys need love too!
Who’s there for trust as time becomes a virtue?
They’re insincerity becomes serenity
As people say and don’t do!
Boys need love too!
I appreciate you!
(s)he loves me
(s)he loves me not
they love me
they love me not
I want them, they want me not
I need them, I need them not
I’m selfless, they’re selfish a lot
I talk, they listen not
I hurt an awful lot
It’s the name of the game
No, No it’s not
The same reason you love me is probably the same reason you hate me.
13 February 2019
I don’t know what people want from me let alone expect from me, and it’s such a sad thing to just observe because in a sense I let them down.
I don’t let people down! I feel as if i’m the best person I could ever be for others and they take advantage of my willing. They take, well they try to take, advantage of MY willing as if it doesn’t belong to me… as if it’s not mine and with that self given entitlement they become insulted when I decide not to be willing with my willing.
Willingness is a noun meaning “ the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness“. Truth be told sometimes I don’t even have willingness for myself.
At this moment I don’t even know what I want from me let alone what I expect from me, and it’s such a upsetting thing to live through because once you’ve overcome a point in your life where you begin to develop clarity to move forward…that’s it.
If I’m a reflection of you, believe
I question why you treat me like you do
for I see more than you see in yourself, clearly
15 February 2019
How does one speak what they know yet do not know what they feel
If my past could talk, it would cry
If my cry could talk, it would laugh
If my laugh could talk, It would be silent
If my silence could speak, it would scream
SCREAM – be loud, be angry, be scared, be surprised
RELIEF, tranquility, serenity, peace
NIGHTMARES ARE DREAMS TOO
Do I really not know or do I just not care
Do I care and just not know why
I do know why I care…
I much rather not have known so I wouldn’t have ended up caring
07 March 2019
A wild concept is sharing your life and all things sacred to you that makes you happy with someone that makes you just as happy..then it’s over and you no longer like any of the stuff you once loved.
Resulting in you becoming lost because what brought you happyness now reminds you of a different kind of pain that you can’t fix right away. How do you just adapt to finding new interest? You become lost because you no longer know what you like so you are constantly confused and no longer enjoy your world.
20 March 2019
Yes, I’ve been slacking and I can’t say I don’t enjoy it. I’ve been putting in much effort and dedication and with that comes weariness… luckily I’ve worked hard enough so far that my words can hold their own weight while I’m not dedicated to them but dedicated to me. I also have so many ideas that I’ve been working on to be brought to life and that’s kind of difficult among itself. Back to my “slack” and I quote because in a sense if you aren’t tired you’re not making progress and that’s not the case to me, over working the brain can cause more harm than any kind of gain that financial outcome could bring. I’m thinking less and doing more, resulting in me nothing having anything to write about since I write what I practice and practice what I preach. I’m getting the hang of me in this evolution of growth called indecisive enjoyment of self. I’ve been just focusing on how to come back better, different, make sure I’m giving something worth what thousands of people take time out their day for. With all this I can say I’m looking for to becoming extraordinary with my words, myself, my world.
22 March 2019
to be sad and mad but okay
things could be worse is what everyone says
I’m at my worse
We aren’t okay, we’re alright
we have a lot of gripes
we aren’t alright, we cry everynight
but it’s okay
things could be worse .. which is what everyone says..
I don’t think I’d mind it
the worse… at least it would be different
something new, something to improve
we’re aggressive. we are aggressive.
it gets better of course
we’re misunderstood, looked over, and put under
Lancaster 13 April 2019
I must write everyday even if I have nothing to say because my thoughts should be heard, feelings should be felt, while cards are being dealt.
Empty feelings, Intuition
Ditch the Dealings
Follow how you feelings
Intuition, Intuition, Intuition
Focusing on the unforeseen
Wishing you were guided mentally
Beloved Betrayal, oh we are acquainted so very well
To be without misfortune probably wouldn’t be grand for what is there to stand up to?
Betrayal it’s almost like I need you..
I need to be assured I am not wrong just blind by what could be-should be
reminded, of what won’t be.
Am I confused or refuse to
do I refuse to?
I refuse to… It’s easier that way
Although we cry that way
I love you – I adore you
I don’t hate you – I’ll try to ignore you
It hurts me to accept the circumstances that has become
hopefully one day soon all things will go numb
until the end of time in my heart you are mine
I am designed, dedicated, and driven to you
taken advantage of, disappointed, and derelict too!
I want unconditional everything
I want pure unconditional everything
I want all I ever wanted under no conditions, just so I know it’s mine
To know it’s for me and not to be taken away even if I never meet the conditions it sees the value in me
I want an unconditional everything or give me nothing
Five Stages of Grief
I didn’t allow myself to feel how I felt because I never wanted to feel such unfavorable ways about.
I got angry because I never wanted to be angry with you, how’d you allow me to feel such ways about you.
Thousands of tears to rationalize fears I never wanted to experience.
To feel better comes with feeling pain, I hurt everyday, pains me to think I have to feel better without joy.
I haven’t accepted a thing..
I’ve only grown accustom to those feelings, it’s comfort in those feelings, they remind me of what should be but isn’t. Something I’ll never get again.
Feelings, whether for better or for worse, they’re feelings to let me know I can still feel.
Assumptions sometimes hurt more than the truth, remember that.
Some days are better than most
Train myself to halt tears in moments that remind me
Realizing my sorrows keep me able to feel
Unable to heal, in the hopes I don’t forget
Growing pains have become excruciating for growth has stopped
Growing pains are aching eyes from nonstop tear drops
Losing, Loving, Leaving, Loathing, Learning
Nothing last forever even forever eventually fades
Going with the flow while feeling still, stuck in this time, struggling
You don’t love me, you just like me enough to keep me around.
and still, I stay.
While also feeling nothing at all..you happen to feel it all.
Some days we wake up the same
Some days we wake up the same
Everyday we wake up hoping for…
Everyday we wake up looking forward to..
Our best day
Some days we wake up
We go to sleep Sad
Other nights we go to sleep Mad
At one point in the day, everyday our mind wanders.. realizing nothing was as it seemed and when everything left, left pieces of us to stay incomplete
You’re honest because you don’t care about my feelings.
I thought you were honest to be built trust.
Such confusions and casualties created from Love .vs. Lust
I’m in love with someone who likes me
how I feel is only felt by me
what I envision is only what my eyes see
I’m in love with someone who likes me
why do you like me?
how do you feel? what do you feel?
why is it so easy to deny me?
It’s impossible to think you see the importance of me and that’s fine by me
I’m in love with someone who likes me
the limit to love does not exist
any instance with you is to be everlasting is all I wish
since something is better than nothing I’ll always be satisfied with the bitterness
I’m in love with someone who likes me
my darling, my love
my darling king who doesn’t love me
my love transition to him to fuel his love for someone other than me
my darling, my love
my darling king who presence is the only present that means so much to me
my love for you could probably light the lights on the empire state building
my darling, my love
my darling king who will never see the potential I could bring
to give a love so free, as you continue to fly away from me
I’m forever yours my darling
my darling king
I haven’t felt like myself for sometime realizing that I was never suppose to feel like an old variation of myself, but to embrace all my lessons I’ve learned disguised as blessings transitioning into me.
Changes must occur in order for you to learn and gain perspective for different walks of life but essentially it’s up to you to determine what you’re going to do with the knowledge placed upon you.
It’s not many good days
so when you have the opportunity to feel good for
you become a little disappointed in self for
letting them go away
Isolation, starvation, and sleep deprivation
I’m well acquainted with
learning how to make crying your eyes out go unnoticed
all while your hearts hurting
I know I’m being mean right now as I hide my frown
So I understand if my unenthusiastic ability to not even explain
encourages you to go away
Leave me alone, I want to be alone
It’s not you, it’s me
I promise it’s not you, it’s me
but I rather not talk about it and just get on my own two feet
and since I’m tired of going thru this again
I know you’ll grow tired of me
I know I’m not the only one finding comfort in sadness
It’s not disappointments, no expectations, just solemn madness
feelings aren’t being used therefore I’m not confused
it’s the only time I know for certain even though I’m hurting
Valencia 5 May 2019
Panorama City 7 June 2019
Hollywood Bowl July 6 2019
Sherman Oaks August 8 2019
Do yourself a favor and reveal the real you so you can be loved and embraced correctly instead of accordingly
“Remember everybody is not built like you” is valid thinking but also remember you do have control of who you keep around you and deal with.
Watery eyes from self pity console me.
I don’t know what to do and my lack of emotions control me.
I’m trying, crying, and trying while I’m crying and crying while I’m trying.
Trying again so I’m so crying some more, spiritually I’m so sore.
trying to understand myself right now has become such a chore.
I sit there plain faced trying to understand why I can’t grasp or appreciate why my heart no longer aches
isn’t that sad, I’ve grown so comfortable with being mad
I wish, sadness is my happy place
and I don’t even know how to feel happy so for the most part I just feel safe.
13 July 2020
Boy oh boy is it a lot of narcissistic pain on this page, that i don’t remember but know i didn’t keep up with. well I’m back. my long drawn out thoughts aren’t a place for twitter necessarily i want to stop making threads about my feelings. although i was kind of using twitter as a “look, im showing y’all im tripping” kind of platform. anywho. ￼i just realized i figured out how to capture my happyness in words(prolly bc i was comin to grips w the fact i might not have nothing to say if it has nothing to do w pain) but that’s not the case i just want ppl to feel me & i didn’t feel how i feel now when i thought i did. so nothing sounded right, and my irritation w the inability to perform as i know i can was probably just underlying irritation that i wasn’t feeling how i wanted to(so i couldn’t write how i knew i could). glad to be back.