Internet Aunty

14.09.2020: 22:41pm: I am sad.

14.09.2020: 12:22am: [mood? not sad but down]
‘hit different’ by sza ft ty$ been hitting different lol, i love that right now, and the video is so pretty. but anyways, im conflicted. the irony in that since i was just lowkey celebrating the fact i have built up an appetite. but aside from that im tired!!! i wanna be world renowned already and i wont say im losing faith but im am losing sense of direction, i think. when i get to a place like this i usually slow down but i dont want to slow down because at least if i keep going ima still be building even if it is in small amounts that doesnt make a noticeable difference at the time… itll all come together in the end! i am more than sure. and all those days id essentially spend doing nothing would be days i become behind in growth. so having that mind frame has been whats keeping me going. “if i stop im really not gon know what could happen oppose to me succeeding due to my efforts”

13.09.2020: to be so thankful for yourself as a whole, independently with no doubt has made me careless and underwhelmed. im bias, always have been, i dont care through because i got me and i been had me so i know if all else fail i got me in the end. i always consider the outcome of my selfishness resulting in me being alone forever but i mean it is what it will be.

06.09.2020: don’t u hate when you’re feeling good or at least you started the day feeling good and someone has to just grind your gears. today started good. i had a light breakfast and was like “let’s knock it out” because ive been feeling good and mid day/ mid shift i find myself typing this, wanting to just cry cause real quick and finish being frustrated. but i find myself not wanting to ruin the rest of my day. i is work a job i don’t even need necessarily just as a independent writer content creator when times are slow this is a check guaranteed to go into my savings since im not entirely** too booked & busy. so when i have these irrational dealings with ppl I work with i be wanting to quit but i don’t because i feel like im being bothered on purpose to fold so now im doing the complete less on company time until they get rid of me because “fuck it”. in the mean time i need to figure out how to make my internet stance shake so im busy doing things id much rather do.

03.09.2020: dudes ive dealt with swear i’m the meanest in the world cause they feel guilty about wronging me like “bro i been trying to move on because it’s evident you were never going to feel my anger like i needed you to” but it’s cool they be uncomfortable when they talk to me i guess. i don’t care though it just be annoying like and after all that you still acting ill. it blows me, it offends me actually.

28 August 2020


24.08.2020: i sit in front of my computer screen to tell a truth, for the last 2 or so years i was struggling man and i finally feel back to normal. if you are familiar with my online presence you saw me go thru a phase i cant explain but my poems got sadder and madder while body modification got kind of extreme all without reason aside from it being on brand because i be on “other shit” all the time as people say but i’m going to take the time to explain.i got broken up with against my will and you know heartbreak is normal i suppose (i have no real experience in the dating world) and i clarify because being my first relationship i no longer count as such. i wish i was allowed the opportunity to actually experience a formal break up. it probably wouldn’t have taken so long to adjust to the circumstances.the irony of having a bad morning and getting a text from the love of your life at the time saying something like “i don’t know when ill see you again” i try not to remember exactly, the same way i try to push every traumatic experience out my memory. but with that! feeling overwhelmed because you had noticed the last time you were next to this person that something wasn’t right, and the last time you said “i love you” it wasn’t said back.I knew the fate of that of the relationship soon as i read the text and out of respect i wasn’t even mad at it because i didn’t expect to lose the friendship that came with it which was the hardest thing for me to accept the most when that was taking from me as well. boy did i feel like a fucking failure for who i considered my “everything friend” didn’t want anything to do with me, that didn’t make sense. i couldn’t comprehend that or the fact i knew i didn’t do anything to the young man to just be essentially ghosted like that and even after some time finally being told by that same person that in fact i didn’t do anything to them … i still don’t believe it although i know it’s true, because if i didn’t do anything to them then why did my acts of friendship assure me being blocked on everything. so that was hard to deal with i cried everyday for a year straight, because “what did i do to scare this man away like that” literally, its other elements to the situation that i can say messed me up and unfortunately it’s getting to a point where i can’t really remember time frame or details and i’m thankful for that in the very least but the most interesting thing about this was. the fact i never found the strength to hate bro, in fact i kept hope alive that one day we’d be friends again and laugh at this misunderstanding but one year went by and another year has gone and i probably never will since i don’t care about the situation anymore but value the experience for what it was worth. i’m not tripping, i’m probably just tired of being optimistic which shouldn’t have took this long to get to this point’s just something to reflect on now that i have grown up and past that i thought it would be nice to put a scenario with my actions, thinking, and words from like 2018 to now. since i feel like me again and oh how i missed myself so much. i spent all that time trying to get back to the feeling of security i had before i intertwined my life/existence with someone else and couldnt figure out why no matter what i did or when i felt happy it just want sincere but i came to the conclusion is i was trying to dwell on the past. now that i have lived thru and learned + accepted wholeheartedly i feel okay. i feel like me, again.

24.07.2020: i’m pretty anxious at the moment for reasons i care not to mention, but as i try to remain calm (i’m not even mad, just uneasy) the statements “blessing in disguise”, “intuition”, “everything happens for a reason: is for the lack there of; i’ve been through enough to watch because the result of situations usually extend into my camp personally so i know i don’t be tripping. for the last week i’ve been passively not trying to speak ill will into existence since i’m a firm believer in that BUT that’s when it’s unwarranted. i’m at a place where i can feel it and it’s not a devils advocate situation either. if you have me on twitter i’ve been mentioning how something feels off (ive been deleting the tweets because again ‘ill will’) but maybe if i unleash my feelings here i think they’ll linger less because i will allow them to flow. the point is!! “a blessing in disguise” is to emphasize the distaste of something that has the potential to grow into something so powerful and i’m sticking to that ideology right now, moving on to intuition; as i’ve said before “our intuition doesn’t let us down we let our intuition down” and i’m currently standing on that statement 10 toes down as well because im not tripping man. i feel like that terrence howard scene on get rich or die trying please look it up how he’s like “even when i’m wrong i’m right” but lastly “everything happens for a reason” is absolutely right…that holds the same weight as “lessons and blessings” so think about that wisely.

23.07.2020: it’s some saying that goes the storm before the rainbow and that’s how I’m currently feeling. without any question i have great feeling my life will become as grand as i desire it to be but i can’t help but feel as if i’m being plotted on and or against dishonestly because my growth is feared more so than appreciated but it comes with the lifestyle i suppose.

REBRAND if you made it here you can see my archived thoughts I choose to still display whilst above is my correct speed now. and I also wonder if ima change it again eventually I like what I do for certain now. I feel like it’s clear who I am even if you don’t know who I am.


Aquarius Kid

Los Angeles 05 May 2018



16 June 2018

I’ve decided to not only debut my appearances on this page but my short sermons also, since they aren’t long enough for an individual post most of the time, and my independent thoughts. I want to treat this like a true to feeling url diary. I’m a person who gets satisfaction out of progression and regression regarding individuality.


27 June 2018

I’ve re-prioritized what I want to do regarding how I live. I’m happy with how i’ll be portrayed, the negative aspects, and the comparisons. I have never felt this happy to just do what I want with myself, I usually just still do but I’m usually worried or considered how I would be taken. Accepting the freedom to make mistakes while you figure life and yourself out is a feeling I hope you all get to experience. 


02 July 2018

“We Flip Losses to Lessons” – Internet Aunty

11 July 2018

1 of 1 compared to none


12 July 2018

I’m willing more than ever to lose friends, I am not sorry that I can sense I will eventually outgrown my friends who will turn into acquaintances. I think that might be the finishing stages of my growth as a person because now people can’t relate  to me nor will I make them.. I’ve re-birthed myself and I need something new or at less doesn’t weigh me down mentally. People that can no longer help me finish growing and help me gain more knowledge just don’t hold priority to me any longer, not meaning I won’t be there for people who need, would like my assistance but you can tell who wants it oppose to the people who just wants conversation for the sake of having contact with me. I have no energy or desire to waste my energy developing/keeping up connections of no substance.


15 July 2018

PRIDE is the only thing that fits me right now.

Is it really being “cocky” when you can back it up?

I love myself. 


Palmdale 19 July 2018

03 August 2018

To many people abuse the ability to compromise in a relationship by manipulating it into control.


18 August 2018

I’ve been constantly reminding myself it’s no such thing as embarrassment.


Downtown Santa Monica 23 August 2018

09 September 2018

Mac Miller decided to rest in a peace unknown to man on the 7th, it’s been a very solemn, sad day.. I’m not going to get over the fact one/3 of my favorites who kept me up while I was feeling low because he felt low also is now gone. Music is very important to me as you know & he is one of the reasons why… now gone.. “swimming” one of the most beautiful albums I’ve heard In a while probably won’t be listened to in a long time, was given to us by a wonderful soul .. a soul that’s not here physically.. I cherish the times I’ve seen him live .. I sincerely do. I cherish the artistry and the artist.

This shit is sad.

“Mourning for selfish reasons. He’s probably way happier now. I’m think I’m sure. Still hurts tho. gone way to fucking too.”

– Steve Lacy

Lancaster 14 September 2019

Downtown Los Angeles 14 September 2018 

20 September 2018

People should start understanding you can still be sad and also not want to dread in your sorrow.

Let me enjoy my laughs so I can control my cries.


22 September 2018

Why are the statements “I’m crazy, “well you know I’m crazy”, really being accepted when justifying unfavorable behavior we know to be unfavorable. Yet frown upon authentic unfavorable behavior from someone that’s crazy?

What’s crazy?


23 September 2018

I’m trying, I try. Effort.


25 September 2018

It is what it is, and that’s just what it is.


Santa Clarita 27 September 2018

27 September 2018

All I ever aspired to obtain for was comfort, not millions of dollars, not luxurious things, just the ability to be comfortable & accepted by those who love me even if I let them down.. and to hope! They still see the good in me, depending on the circumstances.


28 September 2018

A constant Dedicated Dedication to Dedicate the feelings I’ll probably never be able to express because my words mean much more than my actions.


Los Angeles 28 September 2018

29 September 2018

It’s like I care so much, I don’t care at all.


30 September 2018

Do you “love” me or do you just like me a lot.


You hate that you can’t hate me, and that’s okay. I love you too!


02 October 2018

I think the problem is I’m growing up in different aspects of life and I don’t know how to introduce myself to happyness I need.


Much love to who I was. Even more love to who I’m becoming.


No longer incorporating “if you knew better you’d do better” as a way to measure ignorance. Sometimes I know better than what I decide to do.


03 October 2018

I care about you but I don’t care about losing you because losing you.. I’ve lost myself and I never want to feel like I’ve lost myself because I’ll have to overcome that, not you.


05 0ctober 2018

For every tear shed it is another tear formed.


07 October 2018

Vibrancy radiating through sadness


09 October 2018

It’s good that everybody is “sensitive” expressing their feelings about how stuff bothers them but, nobody is obligated to care.


10 October 2018

I’m proud to say day by day I’m finding a little more happyness revolving around myself while experiencing more inner peace.


12 October 2018

Currently learning: It’s not my fault how people interpret me without asking for clarity to understand me.


13 October 2018

forever is a



14 October 2018

I can’t grasp how a person can be infatuated with you to the point they’ll deny the ability of anyone else having you & also not want you.


16 October 2018

The only person that can disappoint me is myself.


Palmdale 30 October 2018

06 November 2018

I do all this authentically, apologetically, and unconditionally.


I love dancing with the devil because it keeps me on my toes.


You can’t tell me I’m not everything I know I am! + More


Everything is biased.


The kind of person I am really throws people off to the point they don’t know how to deal with me, accordingly, at the very least.


People really turn into what hurt them and that’s such a casualty.


The bias cultural normalities regarding black parenting is just as much of an epidemic as crack in the 80s


Camp Flog Gnaw 2018 11-12 November

25 November 2018

We sad out here. We mad out here. We really sad tho. But we even madder tho. We just the saddest of the maddest, mad that we’re sad.


26 November 2018






Promise to never let the hurt build up to the point it becomes overwhelming to enjoy, joy.


I’ve done a lot of soul searching to cure the hurting.


28 November 2018

You feel different when you can’t feel like you know you want to.


29 November 2018

Do everything with certainty.

Do everything with certainty.

Do it all with certainty.

Say everything, you mean, with certainty.

Be certain.


You know we suffer in silence just to empathize our Strength & Independence which is terrible because it just keeps us in our conscience. Continuous tainted thinking being reiterated among yourself keeps you at a place of despair whether you want to be there or not. 


18 December 2018

Maybe if I express how sad I am I’ll let it all out

Maybe I can cry it out

Maybe misery is lonely

Maybe what if


Los Angeles 19 December 2018 TDE ToyDrive

03 January 2019 

We can’t be sad

We can’t be mad

We can’t enjoy joy

We can’t

We can’t love

We can’t lust

We can’t leave

We can’t

We can’t do this

We can’t do that

We can’t do anything

We can’t

but we will


Symmetric Chaos

deserving undesirables

non – fictional fiction

unexpected predictions

vice versa


A lot of hate, A lot of love

even more lust

A lot of regret, A lot of joy

not enough trust

A lot of thoughts, A lot of thinking

for what


I have a lot of them many feelings, many tears, much hate nothing to dissipate but only reiterate what I felt, all the fears

unconditional love


A strong mind weakens the soul.


Currently treading elegantly on balance beam of peace during this earthquake

and if I fall goes it all

gliding pass the flaws

hitting despair hard

mentally paralyzed while feeling it all


11 January 2019

Whoever said  two wrongs don’t make a right didn’t drive at night

two wrongs actually does make a right

..down, down, down

down memory lane decorated with pain

where the headlights only brighten your tears

with a speed limit to move you forward fast enough to forget your fears

onto a highway with no exits to exit


19 January 2019

Passive aggressive

passionately reckless

purposely selfish

never asking for forgiveness

just acceptance

and if you can’t do that

for me I ask you

to let me be

from here to eternity

in your journey




Los Angeles 22 January 2019

Boys need love too!

They hurt the same as me or you!

They’re drained the same and used for gain

same as me or you!

Boys need love too!

They need reassurance, they need comfort, they need communication too!

Boys need love too!

They hurt the same as me or you!

They’re claim to fame is independence, too

Which is understandable with no dependent to!

Boys need love too!

They’re heart hurts, which pains mine too!

Boys need love too!

Who’s there for trust as time becomes a virtue?

They’re insincerity becomes serenity

As people say and don’t do!

Boys need love too!

I appreciate you!


(s)he loves me

(s)he loves me not

they love me

they love me not

I want them, they want me not

I need them, I need them not

I’m selfless, they’re selfish a lot

I talk, they listen not

I hurt an awful lot

It’s the name of the game

No, No it’s not


The same reason you love me is probably the same reason you hate me.


13 February 2019

I don’t know what people want from me let alone expect from me, and it’s such a sad thing to just observe because in a sense I let them down.

I don’t let people down! I feel as if i’m the best person I could ever be for others and they take advantage of my willing. They take, well they try to take, advantage of MY willing as if it doesn’t belong to me… as if it’s not mine and with that self given entitlement they become insulted when I decide not to be willing with my willing.

Willingness is a noun meaning “ the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness“. Truth be told sometimes I don’t even have willingness for myself.

At this moment I don’t even know what I want from me let alone what I expect from me, and it’s such a upsetting thing to live through because once you’ve overcome a point in your life where you begin to develop clarity to move forward…that’s it.


If I’m a reflection of you, believe

I question why you treat me like you do

for I see more than you see in yourself, clearly

I’m confused


15 February 2019

How does one speak what they know yet do not know what they feel


If my past could talk, it would cry

If my cry could talk, it would laugh

If my laugh could talk, It would be silent

If my silence could speak, it would scream

SCREAM – be loud, be angry, be scared, be surprised


RELIEF, tranquility, serenity, peace




Do I really not know or do I just not care

Do I care and just not know why

I do know why I care…

I much rather not have known so I wouldn’t have ended up caring


07 March 2019

A wild concept is sharing your life and all things sacred to you that makes you happy with someone that makes you just as happy..then it’s over and you no longer like any of the stuff you once loved.

Resulting in you becoming lost because what brought you happyness now reminds you of a different kind of pain that you can’t fix right away. How do you just adapt to finding new interest? You become lost because you no longer know what you like so you are constantly confused and no longer enjoy your world.


20 March 2019

Yes, I’ve been slacking and I can’t say I don’t enjoy it. I’ve been putting in much effort and dedication and with that comes weariness… luckily I’ve worked hard enough so far that my words can hold their own weight while I’m not dedicated to them but dedicated to me. I also have so many ideas that I’ve been working on to be brought to life and that’s kind of difficult among itself. Back to my “slack” and I quote because in a sense if you aren’t tired you’re not making progress and that’s not the case to me, over working the brain can cause more harm than any kind of gain that financial outcome could bring. I’m thinking less and doing more, resulting in me nothing having anything to write about since I write what I practice and practice what I preach. I’m getting the hang of me in this evolution of growth called indecisive enjoyment of self. I’ve been just focusing on how to come back better, different, make sure I’m giving something worth what thousands of people take time out their day for. With all this I can say I’m looking for to becoming extraordinary with my words, myself, my world.

22 March 2019

to be sad and mad but okay

things could be worse is what everyone says

I’m at my worse

We aren’t okay, we’re alright

we have a lot of gripes

we aren’t alright, we cry everynight

but it’s okay

things could be worse .. which is what everyone says..

I don’t think I’d mind it

the worse… at least it would be different

something new, something to improve

we’re aggressive. we are aggressive.

it gets better of course

we’re misunderstood, looked over, and put under



Lancaster 13 April 2019

I must write everyday even if I have nothing to say because my thoughts should be heard, feelings should be felt, while cards are being dealt.



Empty feelings, Intuition

Ditch the Dealings

Intuition, Intuition

Follow how you feelings

Blissful ignorance…

Intuition, Intuition, Intuition

Focusing on the unforeseen

Wishing you were guided mentally

Intuition Intuition


Beloved Betrayal, oh we are acquainted so very well

To be without misfortune probably wouldn’t be grand for what is there to stand up to?

Betrayal it’s almost like I need you..

I need to be assured I am not wrong just blind by what could be-should be

reminded, of what won’t be.


Am I confused or refuse to

do I refuse to?

I refuse to… It’s easier that way

Although we cry that way


I love you – I adore you

I don’t hate you – I’ll try to ignore you

It hurts me to accept the circumstances that has become

hopefully one day soon all things will go numb

until the end of time in my heart you are mine

I am designed, dedicated, and driven to you

taken advantage of, disappointed, and derelict too!


I want unconditional everything

I want pure unconditional everything

I want all I ever wanted under no conditions, just so I know it’s mine

To know it’s for me and not to be taken away even if I never meet the conditions it sees the value in me

I want an unconditional everything or give me nothing


Five Stages of Grief

I didn’t allow myself to feel how I felt because I never wanted to feel such unfavorable ways about.

I got angry because I never wanted to be angry with you, how’d you allow me to feel such ways about you.

Thousands of tears to rationalize fears I never wanted to experience.

To feel better comes with feeling pain, I hurt everyday, pains me to think I have to feel better without joy.

I haven’t accepted a thing..

I’ve only grown accustom to those feelings, it’s comfort in those feelings, they remind me of what should be but isn’t. Something I’ll never get again.

Feelings, whether for better or for worse, they’re feelings to let me know I can still feel.


Assumptions sometimes hurt more than the truth, remember that.



Some days are better than most
Train myself to halt tears in moments that remind me
Realizing my sorrows keep me able to feel
Unable to heal, in the hopes I don’t forget
Growing pains have become excruciating for growth has stopped
Growing pains are aching eyes from nonstop tear drops
Losing, Loving, Leaving, Loathing, Learning
Nothing last forever even forever eventually fades
Going with the flow while feeling still, stuck in this time, struggling


You don’t love me, you just like me enough to keep me around.

and still, I stay.


While also feeling nothing at happen to feel it all.


Some days we wake up the same

Some days we wake up the same

Everyday we wake up hoping for…
Better days

Everyday we wake up looking forward to..
Our best day

Some days we wake up

Every night
We go to sleep Sad

Other nights we go to sleep Mad

At one point in the day, everyday our mind wanders.. realizing nothing was as it seemed and when everything left, left pieces of us to stay incomplete


You’re honest because you don’t care about my feelings.

I thought you were honest to be built trust.

Such confusions and casualties created from Love .vs. Lust


I’m in love with someone who likes me
how I feel is only felt by me
what I envision is only what my eyes see
I’m in love with someone who likes me

why do you like me?
how do you feel? what do you feel?
why is it so easy to deny me?
It’s impossible to think you see the importance of me and that’s fine by me
I’m in love with someone who likes me

the limit to love does not exist
any instance with you is to be everlasting is all I wish
since something is better than nothing I’ll always be satisfied with the bitterness
I’m in love with someone who likes me


my darling, my love
my darling king who doesn’t love me

my love transition to him to fuel his love for someone other than me

my darling, my love
my darling king who presence is the only present that means so much to me

my love for you could probably light the lights on the empire state building

my darling, my love
my darling king who will never see the potential I could bring
to give a love so free, as you continue to fly away from me

I’m forever yours my darling
my love
my darling king


I haven’t felt like myself for sometime realizing that I was never suppose to feel like an old variation of myself, but to embrace all my lessons I’ve learned disguised as blessings transitioning into me.

Changes must occur in order for you to learn and gain perspective for different walks of life but essentially it’s up to you to determine what you’re going to do with the knowledge placed upon you.

It’s not many good days
so when you have the opportunity to feel good for
many sundays
you become a little disappointed in self for
letting them go away

Isolation, starvation, and sleep deprivation
I’m well acquainted with
learning how to make crying your eyes out go unnoticed
all while your hearts hurting

I know I’m being mean right now as I hide my frown
So I understand if my unenthusiastic ability to not even explain
encourages you to go away

Leave me alone, I want to be alone
It’s not you, it’s me
I promise it’s not you, it’s me
but I rather not talk about it and just get on my own two feet
and since I’m tired of going thru this again
and again
I know you’ll grow tired of me

I know I’m not the only one finding comfort in sadness
It’s not disappointments, no expectations, just solemn madness
feelings aren’t being used therefore I’m not confused
it’s the only time I know for certain even though I’m hurting

Valencia 5 May 2019

Panorama City 7 June 2019


Hollywood Bowl July 6 2019

Sherman Oaks August 8 2019

Do yourself a favor and reveal the real you so you can be loved and embraced correctly instead of accordingly


“Remember everybody is not built like you” is valid thinking but also remember you do have control of who you keep around you and deal with.


Watery eyes from self pity console me.
I don’t know what to do and my lack of emotions control me.
I’m trying, crying, and trying while I’m crying and crying while I’m trying.
Trying again so I’m so crying some more, spiritually I’m so sore.
trying to understand myself right now has become such a chore.


I sit there plain faced trying to understand why I can’t grasp or appreciate why my heart no longer aches
isn’t that sad, I’ve grown so comfortable with being mad
I wish, sadness is my happy place
and I don’t even know how to feel happy so for the most part I just feel safe.


13 July 2020

Boy oh boy is it a lot of narcissistic pain on this page, that i don’t remember but know i didn’t keep up with. well I’m back. my long drawn out thoughts aren’t a place for twitter necessarily i want to stop making threads about my feelings. although i was kind of using twitter as a “look, im showing y’all im tripping” kind of platform. anywho. i just realized i figured out how to capture my happyness in words(prolly bc i was comin to grips w the fact i might not have nothing to say if it has nothing to do w pain) but that’s not the case i just want ppl to feel me & i didn’t feel how i feel now when i thought i did. so nothing sounded right, and my irritation w the inability to perform as i know i can was probably just underlying irritation that i wasn’t feeling how i wanted to(so i couldn’t write how i knew i could). glad to be back.